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Several states, including Pennsylvania, are facing a cutoff of funding for the Children's Health Insurance Program in the next few months. [Read More]
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The Houston Rockets and the Golden State Warriors have yet to face off in the 2018 Western Conference Finals, but one casino is already paying up on the series. Las Vegas' Golden Nugget casino... [Read More]
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PHILADELPHIA—Leading them to a special, cordoned-off area for customers with only the most discerning tastes, sperm bank manager Timothy Vaughn took a wealthy couple to a secret back freezer Thursday where the real good stuff is stored. "Sir, madame, right this way," said Vaughn, leading his well-coiffed clients past the regular, run-of-the-mill vats of frozen sperm to a vault in the back where he punched a long string of numbers into the security terminal, which opened the heavy metal doors to reveal rows of glistening crystal vials containing the highest quality seed the clinic had to offer. "Our carefully... [Read More]
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While ISIS has seen its power and influence decline significantly in the past year since losing control of Mosul, the fight to completely eliminate the terrorist group from its remaining positions in the Middle East is ongoing: As of right now, America's worst soldier and ISIS's worst soldier are currently hitting each other with brooms. [Read More]
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DEARBORN, MI—Having isolated the origin of the blaze that caused the company to halt production of the popular vehicle, representatives at Ford confirmed Thursday that the fire at the truck parts supplier's plant was caused by a spooked F-150 knocking over a lantern. "After surveying the damage at the factory, we've concluded that the fire started when a kerosene lantern was tipped over by a skittish truck that became frightened by the sound of an engine backfiring," said Ford executive vice president Joe Hinrichs, adding that by the time workers had calmed the frantic F-150, the conflagration had already... [Read More]
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PENNINGTON GAP, VA—Taking pains to ensure the returning citizens feel as normal as possible, government representatives confirmed Thursday that the Americans recently freed from North Korean prison will be put into U.S. detention camps to help ease the shock of their return to Western society. "In light of the months they spent in a brutal North Korean work camp, we thought it would make their transition home easier if they spent some time picking crops and paving roads as American prison labor," said administration spokesperson Dara Zaleski, explaining that all three freed prisoners have been shipped to Lee Correctional... [Read More]
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DAMASCUS—Expressing frustration with the constant clamor coming from nearby apartments, Syrian man Sayid Madanly was reportedly kept up all night Wednesday by the sounds of his neighbors dying. "God, I wasn't able to get any sleep because they're upstairs just moaning and screaming in the middle of the night," said Madanly, adding that the walls were so thin that he could clearly hear every shallow breath and cry of the couple next door as they reached the final throes of life. "It's so annoying. Just shut up and die already. It's one thing to loudly expire during the day,... [Read More]
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America's Finest News Source... [Read More]
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JERUSALEM—Declaring that it was long past time for his people to live once again on their ancestral soil, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly began calling Thursday for the Israeli return to their ancient homeland of Iran. "The land of Iran has long been part of our heritage, and we implore the international community to work with us to ensure its return to the independent Jewish state," said Netanyahu, adding that Israel was willing to use military force if necessary to reoccupy all 636,400 square miles of present-day Iran that were historically included in the promised land bestowed upon the... [Read More]
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ROCHESTER, MN—Stressing the importance of afflicted individuals heeding their symptoms, Mayo Clinic researchers released a study Thursday that found that headaches are the human body's way of communicating that it wants pills. "Our findings prove conclusively that the body uses headaches as a way of signaling that it is experiencing a significant pill deficit," said lead researcher Julia Perla, explaining that headache severity has a direct relationship to the quantity of pills the body desires. "Moreover, the phenomenon of recurring migraines is a telltale indicator that one's brain chemistry is suffering an imbalance of pill chemicals. Should this occur,... [Read More]
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GAINESVILLE, FL—Upending the conventional theory that the animals are different species, a study conducted by marine biologists at the University of Florida confirmed Thursday that sharks are just really angry dolphins. "An exhaustive five-year-long field study combined with comprehensive DNA analysis proves that sharks are actually dolphins that are super fucking pissed," said lead researcher Dr. Karen Delgado, noting that the reason sharks were considered solitary animals was because they were simply livid dolphins who needed to go off by themselves for a while to simmer down. "Once a dolphin becomes furious, it undergoes a number of physiological changes... [Read More]
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HARRODSBURG, KY—Moments after he mistakenly turned the shower knob in the wrong direction, local man Dennis Rowley confirmed Thursday that sometimes in this life, things have to get worse before they can get better. [Read More]
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A North East Independent School District employee last seen May 2 has been found dead, his family announced on Facebook Saturday night. According to Scott Mayer's family, he drove away from his home near Highway 281 and Evans Road and wasn't heard from again. "Tonight we are heartbroken to announce that Scott was found today and is no longer with us," the Facebook post said. "Scott had a passion and love for his family and for baseball. His legacy is that he cared deeply for his wife, three girls and all of his boys - the hundreds of baseball... [Read More]
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Have America's European allies been left in the lurch from Trump backing out of the Iran nuclear deal? Presidential historians Jon Meacham & Michael Beschloss react. [Read More]
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Police in Paris shot and killed a man armed with a knife who stabbed multiple people in the city's opera district, according to French media reports. [Read More]
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At the 150th commencement of Howard University, "Black Panther" star Chadwick Boseman urged his alma mater's newest graduates to find purpose in their lives. [Read More]
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White House budget director Mick Mulvaney said Saturday that a communications staffer's joke about Sen. John McCain's health was "awful," but he pushed back on calls to fire the aide. [Read More]
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Helen Mirren went tumbling down after an interview at the Cannes Film Festival ... but fortunately the dame is a-okay. [Read More]
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The warning is in effect until 1 a.m. [Read More]
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North Korea outlined steps Saturday to dismantle its nuclear testing site -- and confirmed that international journalists, including from the United States and the United Kingdom, would be invited to watch this month as its tunnels are blown up. [Read More]
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